the glassblower

tonight.

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 06:06:31 GMT

i almost lost control.

i believe in journals again but the jury's still out regarding the involvement of the internet:

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 05:47:56 GMT

i am getting better at throwing things away.

i am not getting better at forgiving people, avoiding chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, or spending less time with my reflection.

i am listening to jazz constantly and i am reading this terrifically illuminating book about only children and i think hate my haircut but love the way i feel when i feel like i'll freeze to death if you dont kiss me just after you make me cum and i'm materialistic--loveaffairing with these thin banana republic sweaters and glossy steve madden shoes and skintightboxerbriefs--and i don't really care.

i am...rewired? at age 20, thinking it's probably a good idea to stop sleeping around so much, taking more and more bikram yoga--HEAVENLY--dancing around in my underwear without a mirror's assistance (which i suppose qualifies an earlier statement regarding my relationship with my reflection) and wondering things like: "howcanilovemyselfenoughinorder tolovesomeoneenoughtospendtheRESTOFMYLIFEWITHTHEM?!"

i don't want to touch my guitar. don't put it anywhere near me. i'm not kidding.

i have very little desire to give any amount of considerable attention to friendships not born of the carnegie mellon school of drama. i know it's selfish, but it's sort of like...the only pair of jeans that fits right now? does that make sense?

it's a good thing when you realize that you can't change other people but you most certainly can change the way their behavior affects you.

other good things include:
getting off of a plane, pineapple, metamucil, seattle, chapstick, crestwhitestrips, facebook photo albums.

statistics

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 18:17:17 GMT

i've got:
-2 aryan lovers
-16 minutes of free time
-0 ideas on how to fix the things i've broken
-5 or 6 weeks to turn myself into a penguin

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 05:31:32 GMT

christmas is this monumental, heart-swelling thing.

candy

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 02:48:45 GMT

this is how we are:
big and bold in vintage furs.

attention:

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 01:51:37 GMT

your indifference
is suffocating me,
you selfish fuck.

old deities.

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 02:41:35 GMT

make love in a mirror
because we can't peel our
eyes off of you.

you bite the sheets
but the holes you tear
are in my flesh.

one last prayer
whispered to your collarbone-altar:
love me in the daytime.

rh-ny-thms.

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 21:33:47 GMT

urban ballerinas with thick eyelashes and tiny hearts that beat rapidly against fragile ribcages.

adventures in therapyland

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 05:32:12 GMT

you're all over the place. i get that. you adjust your glasses and i breathe easier. a little newness and the man with the answers.

new allergies.

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 06:39:55 GMT

the wingless me--peeled open like a clementine. i count bathroom tiles and think of pictures i should take, but don't. i don't take anything--pills, the train, your shit, tequila shots. i work for quiet. stillness. i want to be something other than.

drunk sorority ballerina girls on tippy toes in designer clothes ring my cell phone and i ignore them because i have to ignore everything or my lungs will swell and my ribs will break and i'll be this shattered thing.

countering anxiety with motionlessness and i want to come-of-age or come-of-anything really, because i'm perpetually directionless. the smoking of cigarettes and starvation and i wish i was good at one or the other now. therapy for the hollow boy.

for yael:

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 04:33:32 GMT

better air to breathe and we'll be drunk on champagne and heat and i'll be a better hunchback than your whispery bookstore boy. are you excited?

my replacement.

Wed, 16 Feb 2005 22:39:55 GMT

how can i compete with mr. wonderful?

jetsetter.

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 19:18:56 GMT

you echo and resonate and pulse deep into chapel walls. wrists thinner and thinner until you hover above the ground. the world in exchange for a scarf you knit quickly, but thought about with honest concern.

inarticulate.

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 07:35:18 GMT

selflessness, meaning the lack of self, and the things that i try to share that you steal in all the wrong ways.

still-life.

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 05:00:49 GMT

smoke, run, starve until your hipbones poke through denim.

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 06:38:45 GMT

your mascara ran pretty just like in the movies and i wanted to say, stay still, let me take your picture but you needed ears which i lent. the only boy who's ever loved you for more than sex and he didn't even love you and so crying is fair game. you cried a lot that week. flushed face and this lip-bitten sort of pause that you use for dramatic effect when you talk of how you always wanted to be more and also of cigarettes, starvation. your whole self caving in and your strength as dress-up-girly-pretend-play. no sympathy from me, but interest. a compelling character study: when slut goes good. or tries to. or something.

then, sunrise from the pool, where we swam in our clothes, and it was all the right memory with all the wrong people.

if only you had said something important.

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 18:15:59 GMT

i broke you and a million other things: wings. selves. champagne glasses.

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 07:39:06 GMT

oh, dear.

just. us.

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 04:46:57 GMT

i'm waiting for days to start and they do and they end and they do and they end and they and they

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 04:22:21 GMT

sleeping limbs and sleeping everythings and songs i'll never write and things left unperfectlysaid and words that fail us because we fail them and companions i'll fabricate and books i'll finger through and you, who i'll hate consistently, and this fleeting confidence which hides the thousand idiosyncrasies and insecurities and i'll tattoo something perfect onto my body when i find anything perfect enough for this, a better permanence.

perpetual mediocrity and half-truths.
find some newness---take my picture.

pieces and no peace.

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 03:19:35 GMT

someone else's chess pieces and someone else's everything. my sneakers lit up with floor lights and in a daydream i was the fattest tightropewalker tumbling to the ground without thin, glossy shoulder blades like the butterfly boys and girls. this winter is crushed snow and hearts and prayers caught between teeth. areyouafraidofheights? and i said no, but i'm afraid of everything else. forefingers against my ribcage and once i cried while coming. like a little fucking girl. fireworks in my lungs and abdomen and lower back and toes and i cried like a little bitch. memories i hate. people so sour my lips tighten and purse and curl and pucker. watery eyes and these aimless meanderings. why can't i be more like the proverbial you?

i'm moving out.

a cross-posted haiku.

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 08:23:36 GMT

the sun has been gone
for years now, the people say
pray for brighter days

on the eve of forced change:

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 08:54:06 GMT

you said you were the guide and told us exactly what we were and we chewed a thousand colors--living sunsets and cold water--and i had rainbows stuck in my teeth by the time you ran out of adventures.

he rolled perfect joints and tolerated our unbridled youth.

a classier conformity.

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 07:31:50 GMT

i'm the 302nd beautiful person and i'm the unprettiest and i too am swallowing handfuls of glass and putting all my faith in words. humanity's biggest hoax and look at everyone doing such a wonderful job being something(s) they aren't.

just like joni.

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 07:21:50 GMT

purple socks and you love me so much that you'll tear out my eyeballs. your contagious youth. tiny hands. i want to be lime like your insides. little girl green.